Zachrilege: Post Vas

I’ve come through the other side.

Tell me, honestly, what’s a better bargain than $80 (two doctor’s office visits) and a couple of bags of mixed veggies (buy one get one free if I know my wife) for a vasectomy?

I had a 12-day reprieve when my initial appointment was canceled. I’m going to say that things were “meant to be” even though I had no choice.  All in all, it was better for me to have the procedure on a Wednesday than a Friday. I’m almost fully recovered for New Year’s Eve.

The procedure was fast. I got into the nearly empty office at 3 p.m. and was in my wife’s car, high as a kite, at 4:07.

Is it a good idea to taunt the doctor who’s going to be operating on your testicles? I did. He told me he rooted for the Ravens. I wore a Titans t-shirt. Semironically, the only article of clothing I was allowed to keep on during the procedure was my shirt. Oh, and my socks. No, not my business socks.

It was like having a conversation with the guy who sidles up to you at the sports bar. You want to just focus but he starts talking and turns out to be an all-right guy. Then every once in a while you smell something burning and realize that you are the something.

Let’s talk pain. The nurse removing the tape from my penis after the procedure was nearly as painful as the two injections into my scrotum. The pre-vas instructions included one nerve-wracking sentence: “At least one injection will be given on each side of the scrotum.” In my case, one was more than enough. I received a numbing injection before and after the procedure. The one after the fact covered me for about two hours. To be certain, I took two pain pills when I got home. By my third round, about 12 hours later, I was done. Pain pills don’t treat me well. They made me tired and jittery at the same time and I did not sleep soundly the first night. I went back to Ibuprofen and that was sufficient.

What’s it like pressing a bag of frozen peas to my nads in a fifteen minute off and on rotation? It’s cold. It gets less cold because you get used to it and the peas start to warm up.

I did not look down during the procedure, and only saw the carnage a day later. It’s not pretty. This isn’t a pretty part of the anatomy most of the time. It looks normal when it’s time for your first shower two days later.

Here’s my post-vas advice, culled from hours of experience. Luckily this is a one-time experience. There will be tape residue all over the place, so use a little hydrogen peroxide. The tape over your testes comes off easily and painlessly. If you quickly poke a hole in a piece of paper with a pen, that’s about the size of the wound. The stitches are supposed to dissolve, which is a  bonus.

Plan to be immobile for the first 12 to 24 hours. Going to the bathroom will be the toughest task. Save up on TiVo, movies, and books. You’ll feel closer to normal in the 24-48 hour range but continue to relax. Always be extra careful with damaged sexual organs. I’m heading for a New Year’s Eve gathering tomorrow night and that will be in the 72 hour range. I assume any pain will be assuaged by beer. I think that’s a homeopathic remedy.

Will you be able to *cough* perform after the fact? I woke up with a *cough* erection on the third morning. You may be tender, but you are not dead.

I swear my next post will be back on fantasy football. Even though my seasons are complete, you know what they say, there is no offseason.

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