Fantasy Files: How to Survive the Offseason, Step One

“Part of the fire that is burning, from the ashes we can build another day.“ – The Moody Blues, The Story in Your Eyes

The ashes of the 2012 season are cold and you are free to dispose of them as you wish. Do not be distracted by talk of basketball, hockey, or gosh forbid, baseball. Football never stops. You must be ever vigilant.

This is the perfect time to tighten up your fantasy game. As of this post, we are still eight weeks from the “opening night” of the NFL Draft. While you could spend your time preparing for the 2013 season by doing mainstream things like checking stats and working on rankings, I have another suggestion.

We sometimes forget the personal side of fantasy football. You don’t want to beat that nameless, faceless opponent each Sunday, you want to beat Stan in accounting or your brother who once duct-taped you to a telephone pole. You do not just want to defeat your opponent. You want a psychological edge.

There are three methods two smack talk. Two involve theft and one involves research. Improve your smack talk so that your opponents will be petrified to make that tough call on a flex starter. You want to get in their heads.

1. Let Hollywood do the talking

Let’s face it. Coming up with smack talk is difficult. You can only say “Is it the last round already?” when someone takes the Seattle D off the board in the 7th round so many times. You need more.

Use inspiration from film: Let’s face it, screenwriters occasionally earn their money. When it comes to smack talk, it’s not just the words, it’s the delivery. Why not take a line from Kurt Russell in Tombstone?

2. Gather inspiration from the past

In the 13th century, a leader known as Genghis Khan became the Bill Belichick of his day. The Mongolian empire laid waste to China, the Middle East, and Eastern Europe. Only succession issues led to its downfall. That’s foreshadowing, Patriots fans. The Mongolian horde, because army wasn’t bad-ass enough, was about to take on the Caliph of Baghdad, and this is the letter that the general sent in advance of battle:

“If you do not heed our advice, and dispute with us, line up your soldiers and get ready for the field of battle, for we have our loins girded for battle and are standing at the ready. When I lead my troops in wrath against Baghdad, even if you hide in the sky or in the earth, I shall bring you down from the turning celestial sphere, I shall pull you up like a lion, I shall not leave one person alive in your realm, and I shall put your city and country to the torch. If you desire to have mercy on your ancient family’s advice, you shall heed my advice. If you do not, let us see what God’s will is.”

Are you ready to surrender? Your opponent will be ready to surrender, or at least wonder what exactly one does to gird one’s loins.

3. Research

Sorry, you can’t borrow or steal your way to becoming a perfect smack talker. You have to do the research. One key to winning in fantasy is knowing your own roster as well as your opponent’s. If your opponent is starting Tony Romo, let them know about Romo’s five-interception stinker against the Bears last year. Recall their untimely first-round draft pick of Michael Pittman in 2005. No piece of information is out of bounds.

The goal of smack talk is to liven up your leagues. Even when you are insulting your opponent, you’re letting them know that you care. You care to demolish them. When you do it, do it with a little style.

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

Powered by WordPress. Designed by Woo Themes