Know Your Enemy: St. Louis Rams, Week 9

The Tennessee Titans and St. Louis Rams have a wild history for two teams who have played each other an average of once every four years. There’s the half-boring, half-insane Super Bowl 34. Thanks, Mike Jones. The Rams beat the Titans in a back-and-forth affair in St. Louis in 2005 and the Titans blew out the rock-bottom Rams in Nashville four years ago.

It all changes thanks to the Stache. Jeff Fisher left the Titans after the 2010 season, took a year to count his cash and joined the Rams last year to much applause. He’s a less than exciting 10-14 as head coach in St. Louis. The Rams also have former Titans Cortland Finnegan and Jared Cook. Finnegan was a welcome addition to the secondary last year who has been pretty mediocre this year and Jared Cook’s put up numbers similar to Titans’ free-agent TE Delanie Walker after week one of the season.

I added another layer to this ice cream sundae of “meh” by interviewing my friend Chuck. He has no Twitter, and no blog, but we have a history. I was at Chuck’s house as he watched his Rams beat the Titans in the Super Bowl. Because I rooted for the Titans, and I officially decided during that game to move my fandom from Dolphins to Titans, Chuck gave me the first recorded “penalty shot” of Absolut Peppar. We also have a long fantasy history, with him riding the beyond improbable Billy Volek/Drew Bennett combo to defeat me in the final week of the 2004 fantasy regular season. He got the last playoff spot and won his first fantasy title. Last year he rode Pierre Garcon to beat me the final week of the season and again in the title game to become the first AUFL “three peat”.

There are some inside jokes in his answer, which I will attempt to explain.

What is the ultimate sign the Rams are destined for greatness: Kellen Clemens, Zac Stacy (Vandy RB), or Jeff Fisher (Captain .500)? None of those. The Rams wanted to bring BRETT LORENZO FAVRE out of retirement. Their keen personnel acumen will soon lift the Rams from the fetid Vietnamese swamp polluted with Agent Orange, fertilizer, and toxic metals, where the Rams currently reside, to a polluted Everglades bog contaminated with fertilizer and toxic metals, but no Agent Orange. In other words, the Rams should go from two wins per season to three wins per season any decade now. I am also wondering why there is no speculation about Tebow to the Rams. Seriously, the Rams are so f*cked, why not sign Tebow? He might suck, but Tebow doesn’t suck any worse than Brady Quinn. F*ck it. Sign Tebow.

Was the Titans/Rams Super Bowl the best day of your life? How great was it to have me there to witness the game? No. My favorite days are marrying Susan, birth of children, being the first three time AUFFL champion, and having a menage a trois with Elle MacPherson and Lynda Carter when I was 16.

My favorite sports days are:

Watching Marist defeat Carrollton in 5 over times last year after Marist blocked a FG on the last play of regulation;
Watching Adam’s football team come from behind to beat a better team when he was 6 years old;
Our 1980 hockey team beating those commie bastards in the Olympic semifinals;
Game 6 of the 2011 World Series;

Jack Clark taking Tom Niedenfuer deep in Game 6 of the 1985 NLCS to win the pennant and forever prove that Tommy Lasorda sucked as an in game strategist; and
Beating the Titans in the Super Bowl.

I remember that Paul and Don were there to see the Titans lose to the Rams. Were you there? Oh yeah. You were probably crying in your fruity sissy beer. It’s always special to have you around, uh, Jack, I mean, uh, Zach.

Does anyone in St. Louis actually give a crap about the Rams with the World Series going on? Yes, if by “care,” you mean “nobody gives a f*ck.” [Zach note: This still applies after the World Series.]

Who’s your favorite Ram of all time, Kurt Warner, Marshall Faulk, Orlando Pace or Drew Bennett? As Orlando Pace got older, and less effective, my father started referring to Pace as “THAT TON OF BLUBBER.” I am laughing as I type this because to this day, that memory makes me (and anyone who knew Dad) laugh. So Pace is a candidate.

Kurt Warner was MVP of the only successful pro football team in St. Louis history. St. Louis has not had an NBA team since 1968 yet still has as many NBA titles as NFL titles. Seriously. Don and OBL also hate Kurt Warner, so Kurt has that going for him. [Zach note: Quick character guide…Don is the guy I watch Sunday football with, and is the Baltimore Ravens to Chuck’s Pittsburgh Steelers. OBL is my dad. The four of us comprise the “Northern” division in our fantasy league and the three of them have won six title in the past decade. Me? Zero.] Which is nice. Kurt belongs in the NFL Hall Of Fame for getting a St Louis football team to the Super Bowl, twice, and the football Cardinals there once. On the other hand, he’s married to Brenda Warner.

Drew Bennett was a Titan when you watched him catch 4 TD passes and have over 200 receiving yards knowing full well that the only way I could defeat your team and make the AUFFL playoffs was the incredibly unlikely event that Drew Bennett would have 4 TDs and over 200 receiving yards. I won my first AUFFL title that year. Taunting you about that night is way more fun than taunting you about the Super Bowl. As a Ram, Drew Bennett was a bigger bust than Tavon Austin. Bennett is fourth on that list.

Marshall Faulk is not the best pure runner in history although his rushing stats would, by themselves, justify his place in the HOF. Faulk is the best all around RB if you look at running, catching passes, reading defenses and blocking. He was superb in every area of the game and the best all around RB in history.

The two finalists are Warner and Faulk. Pace is out because he was overrated the last few years of his career. Between Faulk and Warner, I go with Faulk because he grew up poor in NOLA and ran past the drug projects every day going to and coming from school. His father died when Marshall was four. His brothers looked out for him while his mother had to work three jobs. During his HOF induction speech, Marshall said something like “Mom, I’m glad I got your work ethic.”

Marshall Faulk is my favorite.

Chuck grew up watching the St. Louis football Cardinals, so he’s used to how bad the Rams have been post Super Bowl. I expect some taunting texts this Sunday.

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