Fantasy Files: Rookie Time in the Zealots 34

This is the obligatory rookie draft link so you can laugh at our picks in real time.

A long-running dynasty league is a funny thing. This league began in 2005, so this will be our 10th year of rookie drafting. It’s a good mix in that we have seven original owners and this is the first year in a while that I haven’t had to add new owners. When you have a Crazy Brit (2013 champs), a Marauding German, the technical “Czar” for the whole Zealots series of leagues (could transfer Calvin Johnson to his roster tomorrow and none of us would be the wiser), this draft nut job and this dynasty fantasy writer, insanity will ensue.

We start the rookie draft every year without a timer, due to everyone’s personal schedules. We’re about 24 hours in and 18 picks are off the board. Here’s some bad commentary on the picks to date.

1.01 (Bills, Glenn): Sammy Watkins

Wait a second, a guy who is a Bills fan drafted a Bills player in a fantasy league? That’s like ripping your own fingernails off. Plus the guy’s named Sammy and he’s not the current minimum height for a wide receiver in fantasy football (as stipulated by RotoViz). That minimum height is not 6’9 so somebody’s trying to get Yao Ming to try out. This move is as smart as hiring the guy who coached T.O. in college to be your team’s GM.

1.02 (Titans, me): Mike Evans

Talk about a one-trick pony. I totally went all-in on this “fast, tall receiver who catches a lot of touchdowns” fad. The guy started playing the sport as a senior in high school. Hello, “doesn’t love the game” red flag. CD Carter’s already shunning his kid for refusing to wear a helmet (of hair) at less than one year old.

1.03 (Chargers, Yoda): Carlos Hyde

Wait a second, a guy took a 4th-string RB with the third pick overall in a rookie draft? I need 11 more where this guy came from. Just because Carlos Hyde had a ton of touchdowns when 11 guys tried to tackle his QB doesn’t mean he’s going to do squat in a run-heavy offense with no current obvious long-term starter.

1.04 (Pats, Paul): Brandin Cooks

This guy would be a UDFA in a RotoViz league. Wait, there are some guys on that site who like short receivers? Talk about un-American behavior. Cooks is just a fast, young guy who may take the Darren Sproles role in New Orleans, and we know that’s a fantasy black hole if there ever was one.

1.05 (Eagles, Brian): Bishop Sankey

More like Bishop Stankey, am I right? You want coffee and the Titans drafted Bishop Sanka. Stats guys love him, and film guys think he’s a Rashaan Salaam wanna-be. We know that film guys have the grit, determination, and lunch-pail traits of every white slot receiver, so I’m going with them on this count.

1.06 (Bucs, other Brian): Eric Ebron

Good luck getting fantasy blood out of this stone. Ebron’s coach is the guy who saw Peyton go down and said “we got this, Curtis Painter, come on down!” This is the highest a TE has gone in our league since Vernon Davis went 1.06, and Davis was recently traded for the 2.11, so good luck recouping your investment in this lemon.

1.07 (Steelers, Walt): Jordan Matthews

We’ve obviously dropped a tier or two when a Vanderbilt guy goes in the first round, and we know those guys are all busts. Sure, Chip Kelly promises a high-flying offense, then he runs the ball 40 times a contest. Are we in a PPB (point per block) league? Didn’t think so.

1.08 (Seahawks, Chad): Davante Adams

Who made who, the “other Carr brother” or this guy? Is it possible that they both are equally un-ready for NFL action? The Packers have a history of drafting players who are good, except for first-round linemen. Adams is currently about 6th in line for WR targets, and we know that dynasty leagues are no place for patience.

1.09 (Bucs, Brian): Odell Beckham

He dominated UAB, which nobody has ever done in the history of college football. Best. Pick. Ever. And his QB is the better Manning. I may never stop crying that I traded this pick away.

1.10 (Panthers, Josh): Devonta Freeman

I could go with the obvious “spelling” joke but I am not a hack. American creativity is at an all-time high. I hear RB is a dying position, but nay, says the #ginjaninja of the draft community. He was a committee back in college, so clearly he’s getting 400 touches this year in Atlanta.

1.11 (Chiefs, OBL): Ka’Deem Carey

You have to give my father some leeway. After all, he’s an old dude and only beats me 80% of the time in multiple fantasy leagues. He traded me the 1.02 for Matt Forte, who’s getting the AARP magazine or at least should. Carey’s a running back who dominated the Pac 12. So did my 8-year-old nephew.

1.12 (Steelers, Walt): Marqise Lee

A Steelers guy took a Jag. I thought they’d never forgive David Garrard. Lee’s a USC wideout, or the “cradle of fantasy nightmares”. After the last 27 guys were busts, you’d think Walt would learn. Walt’s a Steelers fan and thinks all USC wideouts are going to be as good as Lynn Swann. Swann was actually a pretty mediocre fantasy wideout, and I know Walt really cares about that.

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