I, Champion

The FC FU of Zelda defeated the soon-to-be-renamed Charles Hoey team of doom this weekend. It’s quite possible that Jeremy Hill has fifteen fumbles tonight, just as it’s equally possible that the NFL Commish decides that the Jimmy Graham fumble was really a TD and gives the Saints the win.

It’s hard to tell your brain that it’s a good thing you’re losing by 44 points on Sunday around 4:30 in what’s supposed to be the last game of the year. That’s not intuitively a good thing. Chuck said damn the torpedoes and full speed ahead, playing all but one of his players at 1 p.m., assuming that fantasy and real MVP were going to play like such. I kept waiting for the avalanche of touchdowns that never quite arrived.

But that’s no biggie, right? I had Tony Romo, who famously tanked on Thanksgiving night, leading me to a 50-point loss to Doctor Funk. Surely he could do the same in a must-win game because Romo’s a big choker, right? I even tempted the fantasy gods by making him the 13th QB taken in our draft.

My drinking “tempo” increased as my fantasy team started chopping up Chuck’s lead. It was Tony Romo’s glorious double-TD to Dez Bryant that cut the lead to three and it was a done deal. As I went to a holiday party and not so subtly checked my phone every 45 seconds, it was apparent that my 12 years a loser had ended.

Of course Chuck doesn’t have to hang his head, unless losing to me in the clutch for the first time ever is a reason to feel “Vanderbilt football” depressed. This loss moves Chuck to 3-3 all time in championship games, which coincidentlly happens to be Tom Brady’s Super Bowl record (can I see into the future?). OK, fine, Brady is 3-2 in championship games, which matches me, which means Paul has to talk about how the media ignores my team all the time (which is technically true).

Also, Chuck has a top-notch keeper group, with Le’Veon, Antonio Brown and Aaron Rodgers. I have Dez Bryant.

Fun stats from my 2014 reign of terror (mostly upon myself):

Regular season record: 6-7
Playoff record: 3-0
Regular season points: 1482-1544
Playoff points: 385-267
Week one score versus Chuck: 69 (me), 130 (him)
Week 13 score versus Don: 98 (me), 145 (him)

I’m going out on a limb to say I’m the first team in league history to win and lose by 70 in the same season.

This is the 15th year of the AUFL. In that time, the Northern aka Nipple Division has nine of the league champions, and I had to beat all three of my division opponents in the playoffs. Paul mentioned realignment. I say “F” that. To be the best, you have to beat the best. Or have your opponents have really bad weeks in the playoffs.

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