Thus begins my sixth week of unemployment. In this time I have not lassoed any work, despite a few interviews, attempting to corral my LinkedIn networking list, countless lunches, and a flaming buttload of resumes.
Still, I fail to panic. I didn’t want to say that I “failed” to find a job because they’re everywhere. The suckers are just slippery.
I can’t get too wild and crazy about my situation because that’s what they want me to do (/end conspiracy theory mode). I can, instead, briefly discuss a half-finished mock fantasy draft unlike any I’ve ever attempted.
It’s by DFW’s own Fat Kat aka Bruce Kimbrough. A mock draft in March may be useless in some realms, but it’s something to do and will give my addled brain a few reps on player value.
This is a different kind of draft. It’s IDP. We’re playing best-ball, so it’s kind of like an MFL10 in that regard.
Let’s review the picks (check out the full draft):
1.07: Antonio Brown — I think that with the “zero RB” theory being mainstream, wideouts wouldn’t still be cheap, but Brown was the WR3 taken in this draft. Yeah, somehow Aaron Rodgers (love ya Sharona) and Andrew Luck (keep bearding, Brian) went with picks 4 and 5. Note that this is a random selection of Twitterers with enough free time to do this so take all results with a bottle of tequila.
2.06: Calvin Johnson — He’s the forgotten elite WR. After a mediocre (for him) 2014 and at the precipice of 30, from which no NFLer returns, he’s slipping below Mike Evans and Alshon Jeffery. Give me Megatron all day.
3.07: Adrian Peterson — Now make fun of me. ADP is 30, missed all but one game in 2014, and we still don’t know where he’s going to end up in 2015. If he plays, he’s a RB1.
4.06: Arian Foster — In four of the last five seasons, Foster’s had 300+ touches (298 last year), at least 1224 rushing yards, at least 38 receptions, and a minimum of 12 touchdowns. He missed half a season in 2013, three games last year and three in 2011. He’s a low-mileage 29 years old and you really think Alfred Blue is “stealing” touches? Oh yeah, the QBs still are terrible in Houston.
5.07: Travis Kelce — You can see that I take chances on the odd rounds. Last year’s TE order of operations was Jimmy G in the first, Rob Gronk for the mentally strong in the second, Julius Thomas in the third and complete and utter panic the rest of the way. Kelce missed his entire rookie season, a situation that rarely results in fantasy gold. His last four games: 23 catches, 284 yards, one TD. Multiply that by four and there’s no chance he has those exact numbers. We’d like to see more TDs now that vulture Anthony Fasano was signed away by the mighty Titans.
6.06: Andre Ellington — Every RB pick prior to this deep draft is an exercise in faith, I mean futility. In 12 games, Ellington had double-digit carries in all but one and 4 catches in 8 of 12. The Cardinals should take a RB in the draft and he still should maintain value. Ah, should.
7.07: Allen Robinson — Jon Moore’s man-crush from last year’s draft tempted us with plenty of four-catch games. A 48-548-2 line would be cause for celebration in most years, but the 2014 rookie class was The Mother of Wideouts. A-Rob turns 22 in August.
8.06: Alec Ogletree — I didn’t see the value in taking IDPs early. I can’t say that my IDP knowledge has evolved much in the past few years. All I’m thinking is “WLB in a 4-3”. With that DL, is anyone going to block Ogletree this year?
9.07: Tom Brady — I’ll take Brady in a weekly contest against the Rodgerseses and Lucks. The guy won the Super Bowl and wait, that means nothing for fantasy? News to me.
10.06: Brandon Marshall — It’s the LB, not the WR. Denver’s switching to a 3-4, I believe, and Marshall played a lot last year so why not?
11.07: Bishop Sankey — I can’t quit him, although I’ve only ever drafted Sankey in a mock. It’s like having the sexual fantasy in which you are smothered with a pillow, yet remain intrigued.
12.06: Brian Quick — All-injury team, I am selecting. The good news is guys don’t get hurt in consecutive years. Rog promised me.
13.07: Percy Harvin — I had to take this all-locker-room guy. It’s fun to take a guy in the 13th round who was going in the 4th last year.
14.06: Cameron Wake — He’s a 4-3 DE. Those guys are valuable, says two people in Twitter.
15.07: Dwayne Allen — He’s a TD machine. And perhaps a love machine. Don’t judge.
I’ll post the rest as they happen. Yes, we have 15 more rounds to go, should finish before the NCAA tourney.