Five Layers of a Ryan Tannehill Twitter Freak Out

If I actually wrote for a site that paid me money to post about football, I might not “give away” my best stuff on Twitter. Our favorite social media platform did its thing when it was announced that Miami Dolphins’ starting QB Ryan Tannehill just signed a 6-year, $96 million contract.

Twitter had a nonstop party over last offseason’s Andy Dalton and Colin Kaepernick deals which were initially announced with more funny money than a Monopoly game and taken with all of the skepticism of a six-year-old being told to “look over there!” Because of that, I popped off with my “five stages of a ‘non-elite’ QB getting a contract extension on Twitter”.

First Stage

First stage of non-elite QB grief

It was the Washington franchise that did this best. They gave the starving masses and the media-obsessed agents exactly what they wanted: big numbers. Players got nine-figure deals and sometimes not even one of them were guaranteed. This appears to be how most of our politics are covered as well which is frightening.

Adam Schefter, who grinds like CD Carter wishes he could, got it going. He’s the guy who walked in five minutes before the party was supposed to start, left the gallon jug of Fireball and quietly saw himself out.

Adam Schefter starts the Twitter party

Dolphins Twitter

Because I’ll never forget Alex Miglio’s day one love of Tannehill, and who can forget that beard, I had to give him one shout-out.

Second Stage

Second stage of non-elite QB grief

What Twitter does well is carpet bomb a concept. When people think Ryan Tannehill, they do not think “new hideous Dolphins uniforms” or “six-yard in to Jarvis Landry”. He has an attractive wife.

Ryan Tannehill's wife

Ryan Tannehill doesn’t even have enough of a personality “footprint” to maintain a Twitter parody account (last post to “Cocky Ryan Tannehill”: August 3, 2013), whereas the aforementioned Mr. Carter has more than the Dolphins’ full training camp roster.

Third Stage

Third stage of non-elite QB grief

We can’t have a middling #taek on Twitter. It’s not allowed. You either have to be on one side or the other. We don’t make the rules of Twitter, we merely attempt to navigate the stream of takes, each hotter than the last.

Middling Ryan Tannehill take

Actually that one was kind of middling. Damn, Twitter, you’re letting me down.

Bad Ryan Tannehill

That’s more like it. Comparison to the Sanchize: keeping it AFC East.

Stage Four

Fourth stage of non-elite QB grief

As time passes, the actual contract number shrinks like an ice cube in the sun. The “guaranteed” money shrinks as well, which makes it somewhat less than guaranteed.

Deal is smaller

Stage Five

Fifth stage of non-elite QB grief

Gronk didn’t save us this time. We were “squirreled” by Robert Kraft’s timely “concession” on Pats’ penalties referring to #deflategate #ballghazi. Look at that, another comparison between football and politics. That’s not click bait at all.

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