Five Ways to Enjoy a Disastrous Fantasy Football Season

There’s no way to totally prepare yourself for C.J. Anderson. It’s like being in high school, the proverbial geek, getting a date with the dream girl, because anyone’s a dream girl at that point, and when you arrive at her doorstep, flowers in hand, witty one-liners memorized, cologne applied, it turns out she has mono.

Obligatory cat pic

Obligatory cat pic

Can you 100% roll with the punches? It’s tough, especially for you DFS players and high-stakes individuals who have money in the game. Just like a true draft-day plan never survives contact with the enemy, you have to insulate yourself from the inevitable pain. Here are ten ways to do it.

1. Strong food: You can go to a sports bar and get semi-warm wings, have the waitress try to tell you a story about getting drunk the night before while there’s an infomercial on the big TV, and Uber your way back to the abode later. Or you can make what you want, when you want at home. Last Sunday I piled the meats onto my Big Green Egg and was the happiest man in the cave.

2. Blow up the social media: I made a joke about hitting my 66,666th tweet on Sunday and sped by it like a RB in the car he bought with his signing bonus. It is the infinite sports bar and you might have a stranger arguing with you about Jonathan Stewart but for the most part it’s an entire afternoon of “did you see that?”

3. Disconnect: I didn’t have an epiphany. I realized over time that as much as I cared about my football teams, they didn’t care back. I resolved to enjoy the wins, shrug off the losses and remember that this time of year is relatively short for a reason.

4. Watch the way you want to watch: I found myself enjoying Sunday a lot more when I didn’t refresh the fantasy stats every 45 seconds. I’m not 100% sold on the RedZone but it’s a good way to get a flavor of all the games. If a bar with strangers does it for you, try that. If you’re more of an in-person individual and you really like paying $8 for crappy beer, go that route.

5. Strong drink: There are some of you who’d prefer to sip lemonade and Diet Coke all day and I salute you. I also need your phone number so you can be my personal Uber. Another upside and downside of social media is me following a few local beer shops, and they regularly tease me with new limited brews, so I picked up a pile of them for this Sunday’s games. If you are watching the game at home, that means you’re saving money, so pick up the good stuff.


What is that good stuff, you ask? Here are the beers I sampled on Sunday (only one per beer, as I had to work on Monday, heartless bastards):

Anderson Valley Blood Orange Gose: If you want a substitute for the Lites and the Ultras in the world, go Gose. It’s a low-alcohol style, and the blood orange variety adds some sweetness to the mix.

Cigar City Maduro: I like brown ales, but some annoying person decided that coffee was a nice addition. I don’t like coffee. I will make exceptions, and this beer that has “flaked oats in the malt bill which imparts a silky body and works to mesh the roasted, toasted and chocolate components together in Maduro’s complex malt profile.” Who cares if my opponent in two of three leagues started Doug Martin, I have a motherflipping malt profile.

Ommegang Rosetta: Sharona’s going to love my fruit beers this week I tells ya. I’ve enjoyed quite a few Ommegangs in my time. When I heard about this new edition, I knew I must have some. It’s a “young Flemish ale” mixed with cherries aged at least three years. You get that tart cherry flavor and it’s a little too smooth. It’s the perfect beer to have while your team is blowing a two-score lead at home for the second week in a row.

Boulevard Imperial Stout X Tart Cherry: Did you say stout and cherries? Did you say it comes in bomber form with a cork, the only way to open a big beer? I opened this beer leading into the puntfest that was the late-afternoon games and needed a boost. It’s a stout, which is dark and smoky and gives you that dark brown head that’s gorgeous. Then they sour the beer and add cherries during fermentation. It’s also 11%, which means sip. It’s also $12 for a bomber, so make it a special occasion, like every Sunday.


And of course, after all that and a break for some water, I talked with Matthew Freeman of RotoViz Radio. He was probably tipsy as well, may have consumed one too many root beers.

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